Wednesday, Sep. 01, 2010

How to avoid assisted living

After puberty, adolescence, maturity, mid-life crisis, seniority, Medicare and Social Security, the next step is "safer environment," a sneaky phrase that really means "assisted living."

It is not inevitable, but you'll definitely need a plan to avoid it, so consider the following steps:

1. Analyze the opposition, usually your children. They have become aware of your limitations. They'll list them for you. Listen patiently. Be gracious enough to agree on a few minor points.

2. Anticipate opposing arguments. Their strongest ones are based on facts you're familiar with, like you're not steady on your feet, you're forgetful, you don't eat right, you're too gullible with phone solicitors. There's more. When you're around your children, walk a tad slower and plant your feet solidly. About the short memory, remind them of the bushes they promised to prune six months ago, and when you see them chewing on a juicy sandwich of fat, calories and cholesterol, that's the right time to tell them you've started making your own nutritious TV dinners. As for the phone solicitors, you're considering having your number changed.

3. Buy a musical instrument, preferably an organ or a set of trap drums. Take lessons. Swear you have become so attached to it that if you ever had to move someplace that wouldn't allow the instrument you would be inconsolable. Remember, this also works with other big, noisy things.

4. This step is a bit devious, but it's very effective: Visit yard sales. Buy several useless big and bulky things. Stash them in the attic. When that gentle push to "get rid of a few things" starts, pull out your yard sales purchases, put on that sad, near-to- tear face and, in a pitiful tone, lament that it will be a huge sacrifice, but if it will make the children feel better, you will reluctantly let these things go. With a little practice on your part, they will feel appropriately guilty.

5. Phone several assisted living offices, especially the ones you have heard your children mention. Most assisted living places will tell you what they allow their residents to have or do, and if you press them they will tell you what they do not allow. If organs or drums are allowed, hang up.

6. Finally, the last step could be the clincher: Your time with the grandchildren would be so limited. No more may they be dropped off at grandma's while their parents have a glorious night out. It wouldn't be out of line to bribe the kids a bit. They have their own way of successfully manipulating their parents.

These actions will make you an unwelcome prospect at an assisted living establishment. Also, these situations will create obstacles so over-powering that your children will feel they can't cope with them. They'll moan, "We'll have to put this off till later!" This will give you time to create more unpleasantries to strengthen your argument.

It works for me.